Part 6: The Test
Okay, let’s get to some REAL details! At the end of my summer semester I was faced with THREE OPTIONS:
- Get Straight As in the TOUGHEST semester of the year (or get kicked out)
- Retake courses & join the next cohort (willingly).
- Drop Out.
So, I fasted. I prayed. I binge-watched sermon series about faith, about fear, & about prayer. I worshiped like never before. I practically lived in my prayer closet for 3 days. THEN God gave me an overwhelming peace. Ya’ll, I heard him so clearly. “I know it feels scary and it seems impossible, but I didn’t bring you here to let you fail. Push Through Baby Girl, I got you.” So, although I knew it would be TOUGH and INTENSE and HARD WORK, I decided to TRULY BELIEVE GOD. Nobody could change my mind. Me and Jesus had talked and my mind was made up!
…but HE didn’t really tell me the WHOLEEEE plan.
There I was, on day 3 of the fall semester, when my financial aid was basically SNATCHED AWAY from me unexpectedly. I was a mess. I cried in public, which I rarely do. I prayed. I cried some more. I wrote emails. I had meetings. By day 4… it was official. Bye bye fall semester. I was so discouraged. So frustrated. So confused. I had never felt this lost and this embarrassed and this stupid in my life. So, I’m not gonna lie, God got my side-eye for a hot second. Like, why would you allow me to put that much faith in you, if you were just going to snatch it away from me? why would you embarrass me like that? what am I supposed to do now?
It took 2 days for me to take it all in. 2 days to sleep in and treat myself to junk food due to the emotional roller coaster I had just been through. Then, I explored all my career options. I spent more time in prayer. I asked God for peace, direction, and clarity. I applied for a job. I got hired. (Yes, practically as fast as you read those last two sentences). I got a second job. (Yep, that fast). See I although I felt alone… Jehovah Jireh never left me. Jehovah Shalom had surrounded me. Jehovah Roi was ordering my steps.
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way [and blesses his path].
When he falls, he will not be hurled down,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him. Psalms 27:23-24
It wasn’t making it through the seemingly impossible fall semester. It was learning to truly trust God while facing the impossible. It was finding out that vulnerability (the thing I had been running from for so long) was the key to my success. It was actually realizing that I am nothing, can do nothing, and can go nowhere without God. It was choosing to allow God to operate in me & through me, even in my stormy season. I could have lost my mind or my faith. In some ways, it felt like that was all I had left, so I held on and pushed through. Even though my situation looked cloudy, I found the silver lining. I realized that I had actually gained a lot. I gained 4 months of TIME…I finally had the time to dive deeper in my relationship with HIM, to strengthen my faith, to build successful habits, to make meaningful connections & ultimately to be used by him in ways I never imagined. So hopefully, I’m passing THIS test.
Thanks for reading.
Only one more post left in this series! Part 7: Uphill Journey. Nov 14, 2018 @ 8:00am.
Love, Monique Danae ❤