I really thought…

Hey Family!

Today’s post is actually fun for me, because I’m spilling some tea! If you’re new here, you should know that when I spill tea, its always about myself, every word is intentional and there is a lesson for you too. You ready?

A note: This story was turning out to be quite lengthy. So you’ll have to come back next week for part two!

Ya’ll, I thought I found my husband. I THOUGHT. The story goes something like this:

There I was, swiping left on every don’t-love-God, not-looking-for-a-black-woman, non-committal guy that I came across on that dating app. Just when I was rolling my eyes at the options that were left, I saw him. Tall, dark, and handsome. He was witty, playful, and intentional. I already peeped that from his bio; our conversation just confirmed it. He flawlessly cut through that pesky small talk with meaningful conversation and entertaining banter. I liked that. small talk is lame.

So, now I’m thinking “okay God, I see you”. Here is an attractive young man, who acknowledges my worth, respects my boundaries, supports my hustle, is genuinely enjoyable to talk to and pursues me intentionally. He checks all of the important boxes. I think. He checks all the “bonus point” boxes too, the details that I don’t even pray about. I’m so here for this!!!

Being the cautious overthinker that I am, my next thought is: “there’s gotta be a catch.” Although I definitely feel like I’m being swept off my feet, I keep looking for the red flags. I find them lurking in between his words. I find them seeping out of his actions. I prayed over him and about him often. Still, I just KNOW that I hear God tell me “this is it, it’s him.” maybe. So, I try not to let anxiety make me self-sabotage. I rationalize the flags away. Every so often, I feel that inner nudge (the Holy Spirit) to ask him this, remember that, did you notice when…?

At that point, I had already fallen quicker and harder for him than even I could believe. It wasn’t like me. but I heard God, right? We both KNEW where it was headed. I thought. We were on the same page. No pressuring necessary. I was loving this. I was loving HIM.

& just when I wasn’t expecting it, that phone call came. It was so abrupt that it broke me. The pain, the heartache, the disbelief, the grief…what happened. For a week, I processed, I prayed, I created a mental list of questions. Was it me? Was it someone else? Is he even okay? Did he actually love me?

Okay, one last conversation…a girl needed answers. Only, it turned out that the answer I needed wasn’t found in the list I created. It was the question that the Holy Spirit whispered to me just before I hung up.

whew, so this is where I have to pause the story ya’ll. You really don’t want to miss part two next week. Comment on this post or on IG and share your thoughts with me. What questions do you have? Can you relate?