Alright, you ready?
Can I be honest with ya’ll? I didn’t just write this in 3 parts because it was long. Writing this series reminded me of a emotional roller coaster that was my beginning to a crazy year. It’s been interesting to re-live, but also quite cathartic. There is something about tough break ups that always seems to deepen my relationship with Christ. This time, it was a painful reminder and a necessary reset to prepare me for everything that God has in store for me.
Let me take you back that week. You know, the one where I was completely heartbroken. It was honestly really rough for me. There were nights that I barely slept, I couldn’t focus on my school work, my prayer time was mostly tears, my appetite was all over the place, and I just felt so confused. My trust was broken, my heart was shattered, and I felt hopeless.
I put so much time and energy into building that relationship, that I devalued my needs and neglected other responsibilities. Let me be clear though, I made that choice on my own. Nevertheless, I put my vision and goals on the back burner for him. So when it all fell apart, I felt so stupid. so embarrassed.
I honestly thank God.
No, seriously. There were a couple of moments of clarity, throughout my healing process, that I feel the need to share with you.
Moment #1: In the peak of my brokenheartedness, the devil had me convinced that I would never find love. That I was weak and foolish for letting my walls down. That loneliness and obscurity were my destiny. Those were all lies. I may not know who or what God has for me in this life. That’s for Him to know, and me to find out. What I do know, is that there IS someone who truly knows me, understands me, loves me, fights for me, forgives me, comforts me, provides for me and literally, thinks that I am to die for. His love liberates me from the guarded version of Monique, for my own good and his glory. his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Moment #2: I realized that I might just have a pattern of neglecting the one who loves me, for the ones who might. When someone is so important to you and has such a hold on your heart, their removal from your life might leave a feeling of emptiness. oops, this supposed to be about me, right?. I felt empty, like a piece of me was missing. Certain parts of my day began to feel strange. I had become accustomed to our early morning calls and evening conversations. Then, it hit me: If I can consistently make space in my life for an imperfect man who says that he loves me, why not give that same opportunity for intimacy to a perfect God who has shown that he loves me, unconditionally?
whew. let’s read that again:
Well, that’s what I did. I began to be more intentional about having early morning chats and late night conversations with HIM. I began to pursuit God like I wanted to be pursued. To sit in his presence, even when I didn’t have much to say…kinda like: “I just called to hear your voice”. It transformed how I viewed my relationship with God. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I just can’t act right if I don’t spend time with Him.
Anyway, I really hope that these words encourage you to find closure, pursuit God and move beyond. I realize that it might not be heartbreak for you. Maybe its not getting to say goodbye to a loved one because of this pandemic, maybe its an opportunity that didn’t unfold the way you expected, maybe its the broken friendships due to political arguments. No matter what, I hope that you will look to God for the closure and the lesson and His love.
Love, Monique Danae.